Understanding Behavior as Communication: Looking Beyond the Surface

Behavior often feels like the most visible part of a person’s experience. When someone refuses, avoids, acts aggressively, or shuts down, it’s easy to focus only on stopping those actions. But behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. If we only respond to what we see, we miss the deeper story underneath—the feelings, needs, and struggles driving those actions.

This post explores how behavior serves as a form of communication. It invites us to look beyond the surface and understand what lies beneath, so we can respond with empathy and support rather than frustration or punishment.

Behavior often signals deeper feelings and needs that are not immediately visible.

Behavior is a Signal, Not Just a Problem

When someone refuses to do something, it might look like defiance. But refusal can also be a sign of fear. Avoidance might seem like laziness or disinterest, but it often means the person feels overwhelmed. Aggression can be mistaken for anger or bad manners, yet it may actually be panic or a desperate call for help. Shutdowns are sometimes seen as stubbornness, but they often serve as self-protection.

Even what we label as “rudeness” might be a difference in communication style rather than disrespect. And when someone seems not to listen, it might be because they are receiving too much input at once, not because they lack respect.

Understanding these possibilities changes how we respond. Instead of trying to make the behavior stop, we ask:

• What is this behavior trying to tell me?

• What feelings or needs are hidden underneath?

• What skills, support, or environment might be missing?

  
  

Why Simply Trying to Stop Behavior Doesn’t Work

If the goal is only to “make them stop,” we miss the point. A brain that is dysregulated—whether due to stress, trauma, or other challenges—is not ready to hear lectures, follow sticker charts, or face consequences. It is not looking for more demands.

Instead, it is searching for safety and connection. It needs someone calm and regulated enough to offer support and understanding. Without this, behavior will continue because the underlying issues remain unaddressed.

Practical Steps to Understand and Support Behavior

1. Observe Without Judgment

Start by noticing the behavior without immediately labeling it as “bad” or “wrong.” Observe the context:

• When does the behavior happen?

• What seems to trigger it?

• What happens right before and after?

  
  

This helps identify patterns and possible causes.

2. Ask What the Behavior Communicates

Think of behavior as a message. For example:

• A child who refuses to enter a classroom might be scared of a new teacher or overwhelmed by noise.

• A teenager who avoids family dinners might feel unheard or disconnected.

• An adult who shuts down during meetings might be protecting themselves from stress or criticism.

  
  

3. Build Safety and Connection

Create an environment where the person feels safe to express themselves. This might mean:

• Reducing sensory overload

• Offering choices instead of demands

• Using calm, reassuring language

• Being patient and present

  
  

4. Identify Missing Skills or Supports

Sometimes behavior arises because a person lacks certain skills or resources. For example:

• Difficulty managing emotions

• Trouble communicating needs

• Lack of coping strategies for stress

  
  

Supporting skill-building and providing appropriate resources can reduce challenging behavior.

Positive Behavior Support (PBS) as a Framework

Positive Behavior Support focuses on understanding what gets in the way for a person and building supports that help. It is not about making people easier to manage or controlling behavior through punishment. Instead, it is about:

• Listening to behavior as communication

• Identifying unmet needs

• Changing environments or expectations

• Teaching new skills

• Building relationships based on trust

  
  

This approach leads to lasting change and improved well-being.

Real-Life Example

Consider a student who frequently disrupts class by shouting out answers. At first glance, this might seem like attention-seeking or disrespect. But when the teacher looks deeper, she learns the student struggles with anxiety and feels overwhelmed by the fast pace of lessons. The shouting is a way to express frustration and get a break.

By slowing down the pace, offering breaks, and teaching calming techniques, the student feels safer and more supported. The disruptive behavior decreases because the underlying need for regulation and connection is met.

Listening to Behavior Changes Everything

Behavior is communication, but only if we are willing to listen. When we look beyond the surface, we see the person’s experience, fears, and needs. This understanding shifts our response from punishment to support.

If this perspective resonates, consider exploring Mona Delahooke’s Beyond Behaviors. Her work offers valuable insights into seeing behavior as a signal rather than just a problem to fix.

By focusing on connection, safety, and support, we can help people thrive instead of just trying to control their behavior. This approach benefits everyone—individuals, families, educators, and communities.